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Poinsettia Paranoia…

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So far, I have been fairly successful at avoiding Christmas, (decorations, music events, the mall etc.) altogether. But today, in my office THEY arrived. They being the annual Poinsettias which always arrive in early December, and this year, I am suspecting they were injected with some kind of performance enhancing drug, something to make them enormous. Saying “I don’t want one” was apparently not the correct answer, because now, they are everywhere, including in my office taking up a completely ridiculous amount of space, reminding me that Christmas will still come, no matter how hard I fight back against it. Isn’t there something out there I could be prescribed to just put me to sleep for a few days? Just until December 27th. Maybe even the 28th, though that may be pushing it. Typically, I don’t get nor do I feel lonely, but Christmas was beyond a huge event in “our” family. Mainly I am speaking of XAH’s family. Mine is far smaller. I will not see my nieces run down the stairs on Christmas morning, I will not go to church with the whole group on us on Christmas Eve and hold the baby as she falls asleep in my arms while we light candles and sing. I won’t carefully unwrap each of our “couple” ornaments and put them on the tree while we talk about each one, and the memories they inspired, the engagement ornament, the wedding ornament, first home, and so on. I won’t wear matching Christmas pajamas with my sister in law, and attempt numerous times, without success to get the gingerbread house to stand up, no matter how much icing we pile on. I won’t be in the kitchen helping to cook for all 15 of us, and laughing at the dogs running around the yard and carefully setting out the china. In fact, I doubt any mention of me will be whispered in that house, and if it is, I don’t think it will be anything good. By now I am sure they have deloused the house of any remnant of me that still remain, the pictures, my things, little mementos from our marriage and time together. I wish I could not think about all of this, but when I think of Christmas, this is all I know, all I can remember of what the Holiday came to mean. I just want it to go away. I don’t want to hurt over it, and I don’t want to dwell on it. But I just can’t seem to help my mind from wandering, to wishing I was a fly on the wall of the family home which I was once so comfortable being a part of, and now I am just a stranger that no one mentions. That is when I begin to feel a loneliness that I couldn’t possibly describe in simple terms. The loss of traditions, of family, of love, all around the Holidays is an overwhelmingly lonely and dark feeling. The light I do see at the end of the tunnel is the promise of a New Year coming, and shedding light on the darkness that the Holidays make me feel. And who knows, maybe 2013 will be the year of me.



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